Rains in September
I was awaken by the stream of raindrops on a September morning. Laying lazily on the bed, I listened to the sound of pouring water rushing hastily to damp the earth. A glimpse of sadness reflected on my face. I tried to assure myself that this September will be different, but the more I convinced myself, the more I realized that my thoughts were merely betraying the emotions that I felt inside. The hurt and the emptiness that were hidden by the warmth of summer were freed by the rains. I could feel it piercing my heart as it escapes its confinement. The emotions that I disguised all summer long is coming back and the pain is more unbearable.
I hugged my pillow and closed my eyes. I wanted to go back to sleep, but my efforts failed me. My eyes remained closed and I took deep breaths to ease the pain that I felt. Instead of feeling a relief, it rather intensified, like the poison had spread entirely on my system. My body felt cold and empty. The warmth that I felt during the night drastically changed into shivers.
Time heals all wounds. In my case, time had prolonged the mending of my wounds. I often asked myself why does the pain just go away? Why can’t it just leave me alone?
I have lived this way since I reached my 26th birthday. The episodes of blues haunts me like a ghost. It visits uninvited and leaves without goodbyes. I must have been accustomed with it’s persistent presence that I’m no longer surprised if it comes knocking at my door. Though I tried to ignore its nagging call, but like a thief, it finds its way inside and fills me with emptiness and negativity.
You’ll be surprised to discover me feeling this way, but I have perfected my mask. I am a good actress. I can smile and laugh at the simplest jokes and I, definitely, know how to have fun. Even, if this unwelcome visitor is inside me, I could still make you laugh and make fun of myself. In times when the pain and emptiness are unbearable, I just locked myself inside my room and sleep until it leaves me.
Only two people knows the battle that I’m going through. My family doesn’t have a hint on my struggles. Part of my daily routine is convincing myself that life is worth living, that I should win my battle and kick this blues out of my life forever.
My bestfriend and I shared the same problem. Part of our usual conversations is the emptiness that frequently haunts us. It helps to know that there’s someone who understands what you are going through. We would laugh at our episodes, but, unanimously agrees that the pain is not a laughing matter. That the burden we carry is like a ticking bomb waiting to explode and could kill us in a heartbeat.
Alas, the rain had stopped. I opened my eyes and stared at my damp window. Slowly the pain and emptiness subsides, the visitor probably had left. I uttered a silent prayer. I wish the rain in September will be brief. Another episode had passed. When will it come again? I do not know. One thing for sure though, I will win my battle.